


Incensed

by Prussan



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Accidental Christmas fic?, Bad Puns, But I promised I tried, Crack adjacent?, Crack?, Gen, Hawkeye's patented ranting and raving, I know nothing about Catholicism, One Word Prompts, Potter has resigned himself to the situation, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, There are an exceedingly large number of excruciatingly bad puns, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 18:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18744202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prussan/pseuds/Prussan
Summary: PinkDogPlushie gave me the prompt "Incensed" on the MASH discord server, The Swamp, and this is what I came up with.





	1. Incensed: (verb) very angry; enraged

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PinkDogPlushie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkDogPlushie/gifts), [PrairieDawn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrairieDawn/gifts).



"I'm- I'm _incensed_. I'm enraged. Irate. Inflamed. Livid. _Apoplectic_."

"Now just hold your horses a minute, Pierce." Colonel Potter begins.

"Colonel, my dander is up, my hackles risen. It's got my goat and is rattling its cage. And I'll tell you what else, it's really burning me up and making my blood boil."

The Colonel sighs wearily, "Are you finished, Pierce, or should I just let you wear yourself and the thesaurus out?"

"I can deal with the deplorable conditions, the lice, the dysentery, hot and cold running haemorrhagic fever, surplus food that's older than some of the patients. But this-" Hawkeye whacks a rolled up copy of  _Stars and Stripes_ on the desk for emphasis "- _this_ I will not stand for!"

"Wearing yourself it is then." Resigned, Potter moves to the liquor cabinet and gets a drink _._

"It's an offence to everything that is good and decent in this world. It's an offence to everything that isn't good and decent. I'm neither and look how ropeable it's got _me_." Pierce continues to prattle on.

The Colonel moves back to sit in the chair behind his desk, muttering "Enough to make me wish I'd stuck with steer roping as a young'un. At least that way I'd have stood a chance of reining you in."

Hawkeye just stared at him with incredulity, "Colonel, I cannot even begin to express how much this galls me."

"I think you'll find you've made quite a valiant effort to do so already, son." Potter sensed Hawkeye had begun to lose steam, so he pressed on, "Look, Hawkeye, you know how slow the wheels of the Army turn, and how coarse they grind."

He paused to hand Hawk a tumbler of whiskey, "We're only two weeks out from Christmas. Special Services will have already dispatched _It's A Wonderful Life_  before they ever get the memo that HQ has banned the film for being communist propaganda."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea that _It's A Wonderful Life_ was communist propaganda is not mine. It is, in fact, loosely based on a released by the FBI in 1947. I figure that it wouldn't be surprising for the Army, or at least the one depicted in M*A*S*H, to run several years behind the eight-ball on this one!
> 
> You can read about the memo here: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/weird-story-fbi-and-its-wonderful-life-180967587/


	2. Incense: (verb) perfume with incense or a similar fragrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Props to PrairieDawn for mentioning the alternative definition of incense that spawned this.

Hawkeye and BJ enter the mess tent, searching for coffee after their long OR session. Father Mulcahy is in the tent, holding something approximating a metal censer.

"Oh, Hello Father. It's a bit early for mass, isn't it?" BJ moves to the urn that holds what the cook claims is coffee, but might just be finely ground burnt rice.

"BJ! Hawkeye! I just thought I'd get some practice in before mass starts. I haven't used a thurible since before Korea, so I'm somewhat out of practice and Supply just sent me a..." he looks at the censer in hand. It's little more than a modified tin can, hole-punched and bent into a lantern shape. "Well, I suppose it passes for a thurible."

"Out of curiosity, Father, what have you been burning the incense in until now?" Hawkeye asks.

Francis looks rather embarrassed, "I've been making do with a bedpan."

"Ahh, I _censed_  something was amiss with one of the bedpans in Post-Op." BJ comments.

Hawkeye turns to him with a smile and a small "Ahhh! Very clever."

Father Mulcahy turns to continue practising swinging the thurible in a pattern of vertical, horizontal and circular arcs.

"Careful, Father, swinging it around like that. People might get smoke in their eyes, and you wouldn't want to _incense_ the flock!" Hawkeye pipes up.

"Oh, come on now, Hawk." BJ shoots back, "Can't you see you're being _incense_ -itive?"

Francis turns, putting on an exasperated expression, before a small wry grin appears, "Please, Doctors. The First Amendment protects my right to practice religion freely without fear of _censer_ -ship."


End file.
